WHY DO I GET SO DARNED DEPRESSED AT NIGHT?

I know why. Jack helped me discover it. Life is so deceiving. It makes you think that you want things that you don't. It makes you think that you're ungrateful for the stuff that you don't even want, but you really do want it. (Did that make sense? Hah.) But yeah, I guess all that cheesy love crap is getting to us. Flattery, self-esteem, confidence and even reliance in other people, make life what it is - confusing.

I realized that I miss you (multiple "you"s). It may or may not have been just a friendship thing, but I really do miss you. I miss the fact that I'd be someone's #1, no matter in what category. I miss being your phone call every night. I miss eating tubs of ice cream with you. I miss walking to class with you. I miss feeling awkward and amateurish with you. I miss the sound of your laugh. I miss the adventures that we used to have, they seemed so carefree and spontaneous. I miss the way you made me smile. I miss the way you made me feel special, I guess that's what this is all about. I feel like I don't know the feeling anymore, to feel special. Especially with my parents, they're always pointing out the bad and never motivating me. I guess it really gets me down to know that they'll admit that we, specifically me, disappointed them. And there's no undoing it, and I have to live with it everyday. On top of feeling like a failure with my parents, I feel like I can't really complain to my friends, cause either I'm just being a drama queen and hormonal, or they'll listen and not care much. I miss having a few REALLY close friends... Everyone seems to drift, especially around the summer when everyone has their own thing going on. I guess I have high expectations for summer; for it to be a fun and new experience. But to be honest, this summer has fallen waaaaay short of my expectations, and believe me; I didn't expect much... Well, we'll see. There's a month and a half left, and I'll officially be starting my senior year. The beginning of the end.

14 Someone you’ve drifted away from

I know I'm cheating, but I just can't bring myself to write some of these right now. But I feel like I need to write one, whichever one it may be.

Dear You (actually, I think I'll write more than one of these),

I remember when I met you. I thought you were extremely weird, yet sweet. But I think I eventually grew to like you. We got extremely close, talking about the gayest stuff. It was weird, I think you were one of the first boys that I started to talk to, just because of me, not because of my brother or any one else. We just became close, and I liked it. It was fun to have someone that I could trust. Telling you stuff was different than telling my girl friends. Especially during our awkward ages, you understood my weirdness. Unfortunately, I didn't always approve of your girl choice, but then again you don't need my approval. Throughout all of your flings, I lost touch with you. I would not talk to you for a while, though we'd both (maybe) try hard. We would joke about whose fault it was that we don't talk, but really, it was none of our faults. Life just happens, but I guess it's up to us to break through that. We've had plenty of 'breakups' then we'd get close all over again. And that was the fun part. Unfortunately, every time we do this, I feel like we're slowly losing it. I remember thinking about how we'd go through high school together, the best of friends. But I'm afraid; we're going to be seniors now, and I feel like it's too hard to be as close as we used to be. I do miss you, but I always wonder if you miss me just as much, or just find me as a naggy, old friend.

Sincerely,

me.

Dear You,

Similarly, I thought we'd live through high school together. But with you, we kinda have been, discreetly. You're different. Usually, you talk to people more online than you do in person, but it was the opposite with you. I never talked to you online, just in person. I cherished those times, cause I always felt that you were so open with me, but then maybe that's just the kind of person you are. Things brought us together, and then when it was over, our conversations ended. Because it's high school, I feel like it's always significant others that force people to drift. And now that I really think about examples, it's true. Whether the relationship is within your own clique, or totally outside, it forces people to drift (or become closer). I guess I can't really say that I miss you, because we still talk as much as we ever had. But I think I just feel like we could've been closer, and we lost that chance. You're cool, but I feel like things between us will keep getting more and more distant...

Sincerely,

me.

Dear You,

If I can imagine our friendship on a graph, we've reached the peak several times, but I guess it's time for the roller coaster to come to a stop. I guess it's an age thing that's made us drift, but I don't know. I always loved to gossip with you, strange I know. You made me feel safe, like I had another brother watching out for me. There would be times that we'd be super close. You'd be in all my stories cause we would go out so much, but as we both get older, I think it's ending. I know we'll probably be in each other's lives for a long time, but I definitely feel like we've drifted. I don't know what it is, but I just feel like there's not much of a chance to revive what we had. I know that we'll still talk, and I'm hoping that we can still be close but because of everything that's between us, that's different in our lives, I feel like we can't be super close anymore, and I will definitely miss that friendship we had.

Sincerely,

me.

02 Your Crush

Dear crush,

Let me tell you something, I'm glad that I think of you this way so that every time I see that sappy tumblr stuff, I have someone in mind. It's too bad that you make me so angry sometimes. Being me, I just like to admire from afar. Though we talk, I know that's all it'll ever be. I've come so close to giving up, but you're just so darn cute! You make me smile, though you don't know it. (Excuse this super 'gay' stuff, but it's all I can honestly write in this letter.) I guess it's not like my other crushes on other boys. I feel like, it's different. Like more of an indie movie crush, versus a Disney movie crush. For me, 'getting over it' won't be too hard, or so I think. This has been a crush for at least 4 months now, and I would think I'm getting tired of it, but I'm not. Knowing that I still see you around, makes me think that this crush will continue. I feel like I want to see/hear that you are with someone else, so I can just get over it. But I know that deep in my heart, I like what we have (even if it's one-sided). The thing is, I know I'm probably not the only girl that's admiring you. I'm used to that, though. I'm used to never being chosen first, by anyone. But I guess it's made me stronger. S4L! I guess it'll feel nice to have someone that'd pick me first, and that I'd do the same exact thing. But it also makes me feel good to have my friends tell me that they admire me for being independent. So, I guess I'll let this crush on you, either stay or blow over, doesn't really matter for me. Getting over it on my own would be less painful, but if I was forced to get over it, that's fine too. I haven't written about the possibility of something happening because I either feel like there's no chance that anything will, or I don't want to jinx it. Obviously, in any crush, you imagine what it's like to be a couple, and I know that I do that. But I don't even know where I am in this. I don't know if I'm forcing myself to get over it, or honestly taking a little break in this mini-obsession. So, continue as you please. If you find me interesting, tell me. If not, that's fine and I hope we can continue being the 'friends' that we are.

Sincerely,

me.

01 IDEK

Dear Best Friend,

To be honest, I don't even know who to address this to. Throughout my high school years, I feel like I've just stuck to the easy label, which is the one that existed since forever. But then I realized that I'd personally like to make this title really flexible. So I guess instead of this letter being just towards one person, I'll also write a more generalized part.

So, I guess we've drifted. I guess it's kinda sad. Every time I watch TV or read about those 'best friends' that can complete each other's sentences and know exactly what they're talking about, I miss that we almost had that back then. I guess high school just showed us that things change. I really do miss you, but I feel like it's awkward if we try to have a 'best friend' moment. When we talk (which is rarely), I feel like we just feel like we have to tell each other. I know we've both had time where we feel like we needed someone to talk to, but I guess we've just found other people. So I guess this letter's just to say, I definitely miss you, but I don't think things can ever be the same. Thanks for all the things you've done for me, and just know that I'll always be here as your friend. Know that there are still pictures in my room of us, that say "#1 friends". Though that number has probably changed, you are still my friend. We've gone through so much throughout the years, and I guess it's been a fun run. I guess that chapter in our lives has ended. And now, in our books of our lives, we are simply subordinate characters, rather than co-protagonists.

For the rest of you that I may have considered a 'best friend' in the past few years, I'd like to say thanks for all the laughs, tears, and food shared together. Through the mystery, I questioned what a best friend was. Is it someone that's just a 'close friend'? Is it someone that you can trust with anything? Is it someone that can always cheer you up? Because for me, I had friends that couldn't do it ALL, but some. There are certain people that I feel like I can't tell certain stuff, but I definitely loved spending time with you. There are certain people that can't really make me laugh, but put a smile on my face with how sweet they are. I used to think that a best friend was someone that's been there forever, like in those movies where the BFFs graduate high school and reminisce about their kindergarten days. In reality, that doesn't happen. I guess someone just comes across in your life, and if you end up getting along, your relationship grows from there. Then if something happens, that tests whether you can reconcile your differences, or just stay separate. I feel like I'm getting old, and this concept of a 'best friend' will continue through college, work, motherhood and eventually, retirement.

Sincerely,

me.

LETTERS

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

So I know this is cheating, but I'm only gonna choose to do certain ones. And won't even do it on a daily basis; if I feel like writing 3 in one day, I WILL!